At the same time I was seeing aliens walking the city streets I
began to see angels too. I believed that God had sent them down to watch over me
and keep me from harm. I would see them sitting way up high on top of a building
– always watching me. I would feel their presence beside me as I crouched
in an alley smoking the crack pipe. I would leave notes for them asking
them to watch over me.
I would talk with God daily – draw heart shapes in the sky and
tell him how much I loved him. The
hallucinations grew. I would hold an empty spoon up to the
sky and beg God to fill it with drugs so I could get high. I would promise
that one day I would quit if only he would let me find money on the ground
so I could get better right now. From time to time it seemed as if He was
answering my prayers.
Walking down the street I would stumble across money –dropped
there by someone in a rush to buy drugs. Or I would find someone’s drug stash
and have enough to get high for days. I always thought this was God’s was of
answering my prayers for more.
Whenever I would see someone in pain or needing to get high, I
would hold out my hand – thinking that I could change his or her fate just by
touch. I was sliding deeper into the darkness of my mind – and it felt good. I
was no longer facing the reality of where I was – instead I was making up a new
world. One where I was free and innocent – like a child. I could change things
in my world – make things all better. I was in control…
The next few years were spent mostly in prison – I would go in
for a few months and be out for a few weeks. Finally I was sent to prison for
22 months for drug trafficking.
Since I was now considered a long-term offender – I was allowed to participate
in programs like anger management and lifeskills. Finally I was being given the
tools to survive in the real world. I felt myself changing – and growing – it
was a good feeling. I was drug free for most of the time I spent in prison –and
I liked how it felt. I devoured self-help books – trying to find a way out of my
past. I learned how to love myself.
During the time I spent in prison, I still felt a need to be
accepted – to be loved. I deeply missed my friends from the street – I craved
the acceptance I felt when I was with them, getting high. At night I dreamed
about the streets – and my friends – and I knew that I would return to that life
once I had served my time.
began to see angels too. I believed that God had sent them down to watch over me
and keep me from harm. I would see them sitting way up high on top of a building
– always watching me. I would feel their presence beside me as I crouched
in an alley smoking the crack pipe. I would leave notes for them asking
them to watch over me.
I would talk with God daily – draw heart shapes in the sky and
tell him how much I loved him. The
hallucinations grew. I would hold an empty spoon up to the
sky and beg God to fill it with drugs so I could get high. I would promise
that one day I would quit if only he would let me find money on the ground
so I could get better right now. From time to time it seemed as if He was
answering my prayers.
Walking down the street I would stumble across money –dropped
there by someone in a rush to buy drugs. Or I would find someone’s drug stash
and have enough to get high for days. I always thought this was God’s was of
answering my prayers for more.
Whenever I would see someone in pain or needing to get high, I
would hold out my hand – thinking that I could change his or her fate just by
touch. I was sliding deeper into the darkness of my mind – and it felt good. I
was no longer facing the reality of where I was – instead I was making up a new
world. One where I was free and innocent – like a child. I could change things
in my world – make things all better. I was in control…
The next few years were spent mostly in prison – I would go in
for a few months and be out for a few weeks. Finally I was sent to prison for
22 months for drug trafficking.
Since I was now considered a long-term offender – I was allowed to participate
in programs like anger management and lifeskills. Finally I was being given the
tools to survive in the real world. I felt myself changing – and growing – it
was a good feeling. I was drug free for most of the time I spent in prison –and
I liked how it felt. I devoured self-help books – trying to find a way out of my
past. I learned how to love myself.
During the time I spent in prison, I still felt a need to be
accepted – to be loved. I deeply missed my friends from the street – I craved
the acceptance I felt when I was with them, getting high. At night I dreamed
about the streets – and my friends – and I knew that I would return to that life
once I had served my time.