Today....2012....
Today, I am okay.
Well, not exactly. I started drinking again in 2006, and continue today - knowing it is not healthy - what with my liver problems and my addiction issues. Yet I still do. And most recently I started smoking again. Who does that? I guess I do.
I have plans to stop smoking (again). And this time I certainly hope it sticks. I was quit for ten years - yet started again when our teenager began smoking - it was all around me and I gave in. I guess I am not as strong as I once thought.
Drinking - well - that is truly a devil in disguise as they say - easy enough to have a glass of wine with friends - but now it's every day and alone. I wake up with the shakes, and have to have a drink to calm those down. I know this is an issue. I will work on resolving it - one day.
I quit going to the gym a year ago and noticed I have gotten 'soft'. Again that is something I will work on changing.
I just need to accept myself and get on with life. It's difficult to accept me though. I dream of the past, and when I wake up I feel terrible about the person I used to be. I cannot change this. I am trying though.
For anyone reading this blog - message me and maybe you can help me.
I am a good person. I know this, I just have so many demons - and they wont leave me alone.
You know, I thought about suicide - but would not do it as it would only hurt my kids and my husband - I would not hurt once its done but them - yeah it would really hurt them so I don't do it. I quit heroin and cocaine and life on the streets so why can't I change my life today? My life now is way better than it used to be - so why can't I be happy and let it be? I seem to always be thinking that I don't deserve this life, and am always trying to fuck it up - argggh I wish things were simpler.
I emailed the guy who raped me at the Balmoral (I found him on facebook) and he did apologize but he wasn't being real - he is an idiot and I hope he goes to hell soon.
Life goes on.......
It is now end of October 2012. How things have changed. We are living half a block from the beach in the southern USA. Weather is amazing here. 26C today. Sunny, warm and beautiful. I found a job. Pay is low - but the work environment is awesome. Great morale in the office. I quit smoking seven days ago, and plan on staying quit. I attended a smoking cessation class and got some Chantix pills to take to help with the cravings. Works like a charm. I also cut down on drinking ALOT - and no longer get the shakes in the morning. Still drinking three glasses of wine or so a night but way better than a bottle or two. I am feeling so much better. No longer depressed. I bought a pass for the gym and hope to start next week for at least twice a week for now, and once I am used to that to go more often. Even though I have lost weight, I have gained size as I am now so soft!
Life is good today. I am so thankful for all that I have, my family,friends, and health.
January 2013
I quit smoking on my 41st birthday. Taking Chantix and it is working :)
Have not been to the gym yet but once my schedule at work is settled and we all recover from the flu I will start going.
Loving life
January 26, 2013
Today I am starting again.
I started smoking again a week ago (just a few puffs once in the evening)- silly me. However, I have stopped as of day before yesterday. I have applied for a job - the job I am currently doing as a temp - and they will not hire me if I test positive for nicotine! So I have read that it will take about a week for nicotine to be flushed from my body - so I am drinking lots of water and eating well.
Good news is the job I applied for - they really want me!! Who knew? I guess my smiling face and good attitude and awesome ability with excel go far. Boy they have not even seen what I can do with Access!
I am hoping to negotiate my salary to be more than what they are paying the temp agecny.
Will chat more when I know more
ALSO - started back with fitness....to go twice a week for bootcamp - though they did cancel yesterday due to SNOW.....
D
Well, not exactly. I started drinking again in 2006, and continue today - knowing it is not healthy - what with my liver problems and my addiction issues. Yet I still do. And most recently I started smoking again. Who does that? I guess I do.
I have plans to stop smoking (again). And this time I certainly hope it sticks. I was quit for ten years - yet started again when our teenager began smoking - it was all around me and I gave in. I guess I am not as strong as I once thought.
Drinking - well - that is truly a devil in disguise as they say - easy enough to have a glass of wine with friends - but now it's every day and alone. I wake up with the shakes, and have to have a drink to calm those down. I know this is an issue. I will work on resolving it - one day.
I quit going to the gym a year ago and noticed I have gotten 'soft'. Again that is something I will work on changing.
I just need to accept myself and get on with life. It's difficult to accept me though. I dream of the past, and when I wake up I feel terrible about the person I used to be. I cannot change this. I am trying though.
For anyone reading this blog - message me and maybe you can help me.
I am a good person. I know this, I just have so many demons - and they wont leave me alone.
You know, I thought about suicide - but would not do it as it would only hurt my kids and my husband - I would not hurt once its done but them - yeah it would really hurt them so I don't do it. I quit heroin and cocaine and life on the streets so why can't I change my life today? My life now is way better than it used to be - so why can't I be happy and let it be? I seem to always be thinking that I don't deserve this life, and am always trying to fuck it up - argggh I wish things were simpler.
I emailed the guy who raped me at the Balmoral (I found him on facebook) and he did apologize but he wasn't being real - he is an idiot and I hope he goes to hell soon.
Life goes on.......
It is now end of October 2012. How things have changed. We are living half a block from the beach in the southern USA. Weather is amazing here. 26C today. Sunny, warm and beautiful. I found a job. Pay is low - but the work environment is awesome. Great morale in the office. I quit smoking seven days ago, and plan on staying quit. I attended a smoking cessation class and got some Chantix pills to take to help with the cravings. Works like a charm. I also cut down on drinking ALOT - and no longer get the shakes in the morning. Still drinking three glasses of wine or so a night but way better than a bottle or two. I am feeling so much better. No longer depressed. I bought a pass for the gym and hope to start next week for at least twice a week for now, and once I am used to that to go more often. Even though I have lost weight, I have gained size as I am now so soft!
Life is good today. I am so thankful for all that I have, my family,friends, and health.
January 2013
I quit smoking on my 41st birthday. Taking Chantix and it is working :)
Have not been to the gym yet but once my schedule at work is settled and we all recover from the flu I will start going.
Loving life
January 26, 2013
Today I am starting again.
I started smoking again a week ago (just a few puffs once in the evening)- silly me. However, I have stopped as of day before yesterday. I have applied for a job - the job I am currently doing as a temp - and they will not hire me if I test positive for nicotine! So I have read that it will take about a week for nicotine to be flushed from my body - so I am drinking lots of water and eating well.
Good news is the job I applied for - they really want me!! Who knew? I guess my smiling face and good attitude and awesome ability with excel go far. Boy they have not even seen what I can do with Access!
I am hoping to negotiate my salary to be more than what they are paying the temp agecny.
Will chat more when I know more
ALSO - started back with fitness....to go twice a week for bootcamp - though they did cancel yesterday due to SNOW.....
D