The drugs began to take a toll on my mind – I could no longer
distinguish my hallucinations from reality. I thought that Satanists had taken
over Hastings Street. The dealers were part of this huge cult – all wanting to
control our minds and bodies and make us their slaves. I even thought the police
were involved. I trusted nobody. I quit talking to people – even those that I
once sold drugs for – I was too scared of them now. I didn’t know if they were
trying to take over my soul – and I didn’t want to find out. Those who I once
knew and got high with must have noticed something was up – but this was the
streets – and on the streets you just didn’t ask questions.
I was so messed up that I became an easy target for the scum on
the street. I found myself getting jumped in alleys and robbed of whatever
little drugs or money that I had. Once, I was walking to the store to get
something to eat when I was jumped by one of the dealers. I guess a guy I used
to get high with owed him some money from when I was in prison – and told this
guy that I would pay for the drugs. He slammed me up against the door of the
Balmoral Pub – and punched me in the face twice. Then he kicked me hard between
my legs and I dropped to the ground. He grabbed me by my jacket and forced me up
– through the bar and into the ladies washroom. Nobody stopped us. In the
bathroom he made me take my pants off and forced himself on me. I remember
begging him to use a condom – but all he did was laugh and tell me that ‘it was
okay – because everyone knows I already have AIDS”. Inside I cried– I prided
myself on the fact that I was clean and free of disease – I made sure to never
put myself in a situation where I could get AIDS – and here this animal was
forcing it on me. A part of me died that
day.
I went to a clinic for testing soon after – and after a few very
long weeks - found that I was not infected. I cried when I found out –I was so
relieved – and once again I questioned why I was
saved.
After much thought, I went to the police to report the rape. I
don’t think they believed me. The police made me walk with them into the bar
where this guy was sitting and point him out – in front of everybody. They
arrested him but soon after released him back to the streets. They did not
believe me. And life went on…
Life on the street was difficult after that day. I became even
more fearful – which was heightened when I was high on the crack. I would hide
in terror when I got high – thinking that this guy who had raped me was going to
come looking for me because I had reported him to the police. I was terrified
that he would find me and hurt me again. I did not feel safe on the streets
anymore…
I learned to handle this fear by making believe that the rapist
was in fact an angel sent from God – to protect me. With this fantasy I
downplayed my terror and learned to deal with my fear. No longer was I scared
of this person – and I soon found myself falling into a sick sort of love. If
he in fact was not real (but an Angel) then he really could not hurt me. I told
myself over and over that the rape in fact did not happen – that it was just a
hallucination – and with that came a sense of peace for me. I guess deep inside
I actually forgave this man for what he did and life went
on….
My mind was being eaten by the drugs – it was decaying more and
more every day – and the hallucinations became weirder. I was now seeing UFOs
landing in the park – and seeing aliens walking the streets of the city. I was
sure they were here to save me. I thought that I could write in their language
and filled books with those scribbles. Shapes – that meant nothing – but to me
they were my only communication with the world. Sitting in the park – I would
communication with them in my head – I would hear their voices and would talk
with them. They became my world – and I slipped further into the darkness.
When I got high, I would hallucinate little aliens sitting
beside me and I would offer to share my drugs with them. I knew that they would
protect me if danger came my way. I remember once, sitting in the park and I
thought that I saw their ship land. It was just a weird reflection of the lights
in the city at nighttime but to me it looked like an alien ship. I crawled in
the bushes – hiding – and peeking at what I thought was the ship –hoping that
they would see me while at the same time wondering what would happen if they
did. I hoped they would take me away to their
planet!
By this time I was so messed up that I thought the police were
also aliens. I had vivid hallucinations where I was sure that if they arrested
me, they would take me to this room and hook my brain up to a machine. I would
become a prisoner – unable to move anymore – and have to live through my
imagination only. Years later when I saw the movie The Matrix – I realized how
close that movie was to my imagined reality down on Hastings
Street.
One time, when I had been arrested for being too high in public
– the police placed me in a holding room for a few hours. It was very tiny –
maybe 5 feet wide by 6 feet long. The walls were covered in green and brown
slime. The room was bare. I was so high that I began to hallucinate that the
police were going to fill this room with water and drown me. I began to scream
and call out names of those who I though were angels. I was crying and shaking
so bad – I was sure that I was going to die. Hours later, they came back to the
room and began to yell at me to shut up. Two officers came into the room – one
grabbed my arms from behind and lifted them high into the air. I screamed in
pain. My feet lifted from the ground (I weighed less than 80 pounds). The other
officer grabbed my feet and they carried me that way out of the room and down a
hallway. They began to bang my head into a wall – I screamed in pain and fear.
They carried me this way to an elevator and threw me into another room.
It was on a much higher floor than the
usual cells – and I was scared. The room was large –about 15 feet by 15 feet and
had rounded walls. It was bare – no bunk, toilet or sink. There was a door with
a small window. The walls were grey. They left me in this room and I continued
to hallucinate that they were going to drown me. I began to see blood on the
walls and thought that there were small circular saws built into the walls. I
though that the police were going to push a button and make the saws fly out of
the walls at me. I was terrified and continued to scream in fear. After what
seemed like an eternity – I fell into a fitful sleep. And life went on….
distinguish my hallucinations from reality. I thought that Satanists had taken
over Hastings Street. The dealers were part of this huge cult – all wanting to
control our minds and bodies and make us their slaves. I even thought the police
were involved. I trusted nobody. I quit talking to people – even those that I
once sold drugs for – I was too scared of them now. I didn’t know if they were
trying to take over my soul – and I didn’t want to find out. Those who I once
knew and got high with must have noticed something was up – but this was the
streets – and on the streets you just didn’t ask questions.
I was so messed up that I became an easy target for the scum on
the street. I found myself getting jumped in alleys and robbed of whatever
little drugs or money that I had. Once, I was walking to the store to get
something to eat when I was jumped by one of the dealers. I guess a guy I used
to get high with owed him some money from when I was in prison – and told this
guy that I would pay for the drugs. He slammed me up against the door of the
Balmoral Pub – and punched me in the face twice. Then he kicked me hard between
my legs and I dropped to the ground. He grabbed me by my jacket and forced me up
– through the bar and into the ladies washroom. Nobody stopped us. In the
bathroom he made me take my pants off and forced himself on me. I remember
begging him to use a condom – but all he did was laugh and tell me that ‘it was
okay – because everyone knows I already have AIDS”. Inside I cried– I prided
myself on the fact that I was clean and free of disease – I made sure to never
put myself in a situation where I could get AIDS – and here this animal was
forcing it on me. A part of me died that
day.
I went to a clinic for testing soon after – and after a few very
long weeks - found that I was not infected. I cried when I found out –I was so
relieved – and once again I questioned why I was
saved.
After much thought, I went to the police to report the rape. I
don’t think they believed me. The police made me walk with them into the bar
where this guy was sitting and point him out – in front of everybody. They
arrested him but soon after released him back to the streets. They did not
believe me. And life went on…
Life on the street was difficult after that day. I became even
more fearful – which was heightened when I was high on the crack. I would hide
in terror when I got high – thinking that this guy who had raped me was going to
come looking for me because I had reported him to the police. I was terrified
that he would find me and hurt me again. I did not feel safe on the streets
anymore…
I learned to handle this fear by making believe that the rapist
was in fact an angel sent from God – to protect me. With this fantasy I
downplayed my terror and learned to deal with my fear. No longer was I scared
of this person – and I soon found myself falling into a sick sort of love. If
he in fact was not real (but an Angel) then he really could not hurt me. I told
myself over and over that the rape in fact did not happen – that it was just a
hallucination – and with that came a sense of peace for me. I guess deep inside
I actually forgave this man for what he did and life went
on….
My mind was being eaten by the drugs – it was decaying more and
more every day – and the hallucinations became weirder. I was now seeing UFOs
landing in the park – and seeing aliens walking the streets of the city. I was
sure they were here to save me. I thought that I could write in their language
and filled books with those scribbles. Shapes – that meant nothing – but to me
they were my only communication with the world. Sitting in the park – I would
communication with them in my head – I would hear their voices and would talk
with them. They became my world – and I slipped further into the darkness.
When I got high, I would hallucinate little aliens sitting
beside me and I would offer to share my drugs with them. I knew that they would
protect me if danger came my way. I remember once, sitting in the park and I
thought that I saw their ship land. It was just a weird reflection of the lights
in the city at nighttime but to me it looked like an alien ship. I crawled in
the bushes – hiding – and peeking at what I thought was the ship –hoping that
they would see me while at the same time wondering what would happen if they
did. I hoped they would take me away to their
planet!
By this time I was so messed up that I thought the police were
also aliens. I had vivid hallucinations where I was sure that if they arrested
me, they would take me to this room and hook my brain up to a machine. I would
become a prisoner – unable to move anymore – and have to live through my
imagination only. Years later when I saw the movie The Matrix – I realized how
close that movie was to my imagined reality down on Hastings
Street.
One time, when I had been arrested for being too high in public
– the police placed me in a holding room for a few hours. It was very tiny –
maybe 5 feet wide by 6 feet long. The walls were covered in green and brown
slime. The room was bare. I was so high that I began to hallucinate that the
police were going to fill this room with water and drown me. I began to scream
and call out names of those who I though were angels. I was crying and shaking
so bad – I was sure that I was going to die. Hours later, they came back to the
room and began to yell at me to shut up. Two officers came into the room – one
grabbed my arms from behind and lifted them high into the air. I screamed in
pain. My feet lifted from the ground (I weighed less than 80 pounds). The other
officer grabbed my feet and they carried me that way out of the room and down a
hallway. They began to bang my head into a wall – I screamed in pain and fear.
They carried me this way to an elevator and threw me into another room.
It was on a much higher floor than the
usual cells – and I was scared. The room was large –about 15 feet by 15 feet and
had rounded walls. It was bare – no bunk, toilet or sink. There was a door with
a small window. The walls were grey. They left me in this room and I continued
to hallucinate that they were going to drown me. I began to see blood on the
walls and thought that there were small circular saws built into the walls. I
though that the police were going to push a button and make the saws fly out of
the walls at me. I was terrified and continued to scream in fear. After what
seemed like an eternity – I fell into a fitful sleep. And life went on….