January 17th, 2001 I was released
from prison after spending the majority of the previous 33 months inside the
cold cement walls. I wanted to be a mother again – I wanted to make my kids
proud. I didn’t know how. I knew that I wanted to live – but once again I
returned to the drugs. I had to find a way to get rid of the pain and memories
of my childhood. My daughter had convinced her Dad to rent a hotel room for me in Maple Ridge
once I was released from prison. She was convinced that her hugs and words of
love would keep me clean – how do you tell a little girl that it takes more than
that? I tried desperately to keep it together, but within a few weeks I heard
the streets calling my name once again. I began to use again –and by the end of
that month I knew I had to make a choice – quit using or die. I chose to live. I
called my brother and asked if his offer for me to stay with him was
still there. It was and he sent me a bus ticket to a different province –far enough away
that I couldn’t return to Vancouver.
With his help – I began the long journey home. Telling my daughter was
the hardest thing I had ever done. She begged me to stay and cried big fat tears
when I said I had to go. She understands today why I had to leave – but that day
I knew a part of her died.
My brother showed me how to live – we flew kites, we went to
dinners at nice restaurants, and we had fun. He was not ashamed to be seen with
me. Because of this, a tiny seed was planted in my heart – a seed of self worth
– and from that little seed grew a tree abundant with the fruit of life. I soon
found a job – and every time my supervisor told me I was doing a great job – I
smiled from within. With every accomplishment came such feelings of self worth
and my past began to fade.
These past few years have taught me a lot about myself –about my
inner strength and my personality. I found that I was allowing others to use and
abuse me – because of my lack of personal boundaries and my extreme need to be
loved. I only knew one way to make people love me – and that contributed to my
pain. I have learned to recognize just how precious I am. I have also learned to
say no and to stand up for myself. My life today has changed so much – My
children live with me once again – and they respect who I am. They understand my
past and the pain I was trying to escape from – and they forgive me for leaving
them that day long ago. I have a partner who respects me for who I am, he
understand my past and does not judge me. He fell in love with me. He trusts me
enough to share his life and his family with me. And I trust him with the same.
I have a life. I greet every day with anticipation and the knowledge that it
will be a good day.
I look around me
Beauty is everywhere From the warmth of the sun shining down on my
face, warming my body to the sound of the wind as it rushes thru the city at
night. The clouds in the sky, floating lazily across the sea of blue
above.
My eyes in the mirror. Beauty.
I am beautiful. Again. There once was a time I was not. I was worn out, old,
just skin and bones. An addict with no hope. Nobody had hope for me. They may as
well have buried me already, for I know in their mind they did. My eyes shine
like diamonds. Beautiful diamonds looking back at me. I see beauty in the
passing of a car. The color, the newness, and the freedom a car provides. This
is beauty. I see beauty in my walk to work. Green trees, people laughing, hands
waving at each other, smiling, sound of music as a truck passes by, a parade
celebrating life, sitting in the shade, relaxing, friends all around me. Beauty
I look back on my childhood – not with tears – but with
recognition of my strength. I am a survivor.
When I sit in a bathtub full of bubbles, I am amazed at how far
I have come. I look at my toes and see that they are clean – no more blisters
from walking the street night and day. There was once a time when I did not have
a place to call home, a place to take a bath in. Months would go by without a
shower or a change of clothes. That chapter in my life is over – and a new one
has begun.
When I think back to my past – and to my thoughts during those
times of darkness the one thing that keep coming back to me is that I did not
believe in myself during that time. I did not like or accept who I was. Deep
inside I felt that I was not a good person and that everyone hated me. I also
could not ever see myself succeeding at life. I think the first step towards my
recovery was when I started to believe in me. When I began to use my imagination
to ‘see’ myself living a different life, once I could see it in my head, I could
almost believe that it could become real.
If you truly want something you can have it – you just need to
be able to dream it first. Believe in yourself – no matter where you are in life
– believe in you!
I will not look back with regret or tears – for I cannot change
the past. I look towards the future with anticipation and joy for I know that
every breath I take today will lead me to a future full of sunshine and
happiness.
from prison after spending the majority of the previous 33 months inside the
cold cement walls. I wanted to be a mother again – I wanted to make my kids
proud. I didn’t know how. I knew that I wanted to live – but once again I
returned to the drugs. I had to find a way to get rid of the pain and memories
of my childhood. My daughter had convinced her Dad to rent a hotel room for me in Maple Ridge
once I was released from prison. She was convinced that her hugs and words of
love would keep me clean – how do you tell a little girl that it takes more than
that? I tried desperately to keep it together, but within a few weeks I heard
the streets calling my name once again. I began to use again –and by the end of
that month I knew I had to make a choice – quit using or die. I chose to live. I
called my brother and asked if his offer for me to stay with him was
still there. It was and he sent me a bus ticket to a different province –far enough away
that I couldn’t return to Vancouver.
With his help – I began the long journey home. Telling my daughter was
the hardest thing I had ever done. She begged me to stay and cried big fat tears
when I said I had to go. She understands today why I had to leave – but that day
I knew a part of her died.
My brother showed me how to live – we flew kites, we went to
dinners at nice restaurants, and we had fun. He was not ashamed to be seen with
me. Because of this, a tiny seed was planted in my heart – a seed of self worth
– and from that little seed grew a tree abundant with the fruit of life. I soon
found a job – and every time my supervisor told me I was doing a great job – I
smiled from within. With every accomplishment came such feelings of self worth
and my past began to fade.
These past few years have taught me a lot about myself –about my
inner strength and my personality. I found that I was allowing others to use and
abuse me – because of my lack of personal boundaries and my extreme need to be
loved. I only knew one way to make people love me – and that contributed to my
pain. I have learned to recognize just how precious I am. I have also learned to
say no and to stand up for myself. My life today has changed so much – My
children live with me once again – and they respect who I am. They understand my
past and the pain I was trying to escape from – and they forgive me for leaving
them that day long ago. I have a partner who respects me for who I am, he
understand my past and does not judge me. He fell in love with me. He trusts me
enough to share his life and his family with me. And I trust him with the same.
I have a life. I greet every day with anticipation and the knowledge that it
will be a good day.
I look around me
Beauty is everywhere From the warmth of the sun shining down on my
face, warming my body to the sound of the wind as it rushes thru the city at
night. The clouds in the sky, floating lazily across the sea of blue
above.
My eyes in the mirror. Beauty.
I am beautiful. Again. There once was a time I was not. I was worn out, old,
just skin and bones. An addict with no hope. Nobody had hope for me. They may as
well have buried me already, for I know in their mind they did. My eyes shine
like diamonds. Beautiful diamonds looking back at me. I see beauty in the
passing of a car. The color, the newness, and the freedom a car provides. This
is beauty. I see beauty in my walk to work. Green trees, people laughing, hands
waving at each other, smiling, sound of music as a truck passes by, a parade
celebrating life, sitting in the shade, relaxing, friends all around me. Beauty
I look back on my childhood – not with tears – but with
recognition of my strength. I am a survivor.
When I sit in a bathtub full of bubbles, I am amazed at how far
I have come. I look at my toes and see that they are clean – no more blisters
from walking the street night and day. There was once a time when I did not have
a place to call home, a place to take a bath in. Months would go by without a
shower or a change of clothes. That chapter in my life is over – and a new one
has begun.
When I think back to my past – and to my thoughts during those
times of darkness the one thing that keep coming back to me is that I did not
believe in myself during that time. I did not like or accept who I was. Deep
inside I felt that I was not a good person and that everyone hated me. I also
could not ever see myself succeeding at life. I think the first step towards my
recovery was when I started to believe in me. When I began to use my imagination
to ‘see’ myself living a different life, once I could see it in my head, I could
almost believe that it could become real.
If you truly want something you can have it – you just need to
be able to dream it first. Believe in yourself – no matter where you are in life
– believe in you!
I will not look back with regret or tears – for I cannot change
the past. I look towards the future with anticipation and joy for I know that
every breath I take today will lead me to a future full of sunshine and
happiness.